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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject