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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
I fake my LOLs
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.