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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.