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Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
My favorite beer is an open one.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.