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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
If I throw a stick will you leave?
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!