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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.