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Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Family and Friends - I am FAR too busy to listen to any of your problems or concerns *Googles do penguins go to heaven?*
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!