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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
The best things in life require no pants.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
People say that I have no idea what hard work is. That`s not true! I know exactly what it is... How do you think I avoid it so easily?