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I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?