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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.