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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!