Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.