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I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My whole life is based on a true story...