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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels