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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I’m late for a disappointment.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
I think Facebook now comes under the housework category.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.