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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say "I haven`t the slightest idea as to where my life is headed"
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
The older I get the better I used to be.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.