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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.