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Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
They should make Vodka ChapStick
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.