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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Gravity is a real downer.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Question everything...Or should you?
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?