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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
My favorite beer is an open one.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.