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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
The longer I sit in this drive-thru, the more pennies I’m going to pay with.
thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.