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Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Sorry I`m late... I accidentally pulled the chain on the ceiling fan one too many times for like 9 hours straight.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
Please do not read this.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend