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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
At the Touch of Love..Everyone Becomes a Poet !
But..At the Touch of Breakup Everyone Becomes a Philosopher... ^_^
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.