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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.