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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Iām going to start telling women that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
If Jesus is the reason for the season.......why is the church parking lot empty and Wal Marts is full?
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....