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My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.