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condoms prevent minivans
Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
It`s been few days since I heard from the voices in my head, I think it`s the calm before the storm. Some big sh!t is gonna go down!!
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar