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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.