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I`ve been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We`ll all be dead soon anyway.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.