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Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
If you can’t face it, moon it.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I can’t believe that all these “single ladies in my area” want to meet me, must be due to all the “free Ipads” I’ve been winning.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.