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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing