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Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?