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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...