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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.