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I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I think germs are so nice for waiting 5 seconds before attacking food that falls on the floor.