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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I`m guessing we still have a chance.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Is Nudeism a religion?
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.