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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn`t answer the phone.
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.