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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.