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I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.