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I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I hav 10 fingers bt i usd only.. the thumb to write this...!
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."