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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead. It`s pain only for others. It`s the same thing when you are stupid.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.