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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.