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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Is snaxting a thing? Texting each other pics of your snacks? Cause I feel like I’d be pretty good at that.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Being an American is awesome. The end.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.