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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here