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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Just tore the tag off my mattress and there’s nothing the feds can do about it. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.