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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.