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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.
Doing something weird and thinking “this is why I’m single”.