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I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
sleep is for people without netflix
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.