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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”