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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
There’s a wild side to EVERY innocent face.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.