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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned