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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
“I saw that.” -Karma
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.