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I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.