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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
“Wow! My political opinion just changed because of what you posted on Facebook” – said no one ever.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
My house has really let itself go.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.