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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks