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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
I`d hit that. - women drivers
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.