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Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
A cop just pulled me over and said papers - so I said scissors, I win and drove off.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
There are two types of people I can`t stand. Nosy people, and people who won`t tell me what`s going on.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.