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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Vodka is the answer...but I can`t remember the question.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.