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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
I`ve come to the point where I don`t even procrastinate anymore ... I just don`t do it.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.