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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"