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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!