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I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
facebooked yo mama!!!
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.