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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
Well, if anything, the Mayans did teach us one valuable lesson. If you don`t finish something...it`s really not the end of the world.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
why do i feel like you are reading this
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.