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Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY