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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I`m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You`re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what`s going on here.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
My anger management class pisses me off
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.