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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”
You`re right. I don`t have a clue. I`ve never had a clue. It`s part of my charm and it seems to be working for me.