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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I think that there are two things that we can all agree on: Boobs.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"