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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Its not my fault if I blame everyone for my mistakes...right?
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
I want the time management skills of people who effortlessly carve out entire hours to be offended by every single thing on the internet.
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?