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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.