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I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
I`m just a guy struggling to find the appropriate level of inappropriateness for every social interaction I`m unlucky enough to be a part of
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.