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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
Sometimes I think "Screw this ... I`ll just be a stripper!"