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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don`t even like.
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.