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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.