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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
the real full form of M.B.A....Married But Available
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?