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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.